Being a mum feels like there’s a constant cloud of irrational worry over your head. It’s not going away and it’s probably only going to get worse the more they start making their own stupid decisions that you have no control over.
I feel guilty almost every day for one thing or another when it comes to M and as soon as I’ve talked myself out of one thing I’m on to another.
I feel guilty that I’ve snapped at him for messing about on the walk to nursery and making me late for work.
For taking him to nursery in the first place, for working five days a week and missing out on all that time with him.
For sitting him in front of the TV while I make his tea, just to stop him emptying his entire Lego collection all over the living room floor.
For being on Facebook instead of chatting to him while he eats.
For counting down the hours until bed time because I absolutely can’t be arsed playing dinosaurs or trains or reading Elma the Elephant for the hundredth time that week.
The other day he fell over on the way home from nursery and got a ‘pulled elbow’. I didn’t sleep all night for the guilt, I watched him sleep and literally cried every time he woke up sobbing in pain until we took him to A&E the next day. There truly is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain and I was sick with guilt that I was there when it happened. I’m his mum and I’m the one who should be looking after him and protecting him and I let it happen. But do you know what? It happened on our way home from sharing an ice cream together; we were giddy and fooling about, laughing together and having fun. It was just unfortunate that he fell, it was no ones fault and I need to remember that.
Every single thing we do is what we think is best for our children. I work full time because I want the best for him, I’m tired and desperate for bedtime because I put every last bit of my energy into him. I might check a text while we’re reading together because I need to stay sane and in the real world and in the loop with friends.
We’re our own worst enemy sometimes.
I need to stop feeling guilty and remember that M is happy and healthy and I’m doing the absolute best I can. Until the next time he falls and I’ll beat myself up all over again.
Do you suffer with mum guilt? I’d love to hear your thoughts.