M has just turned two and at the age where I get asked a LOT “so when are you gonna have another?” He’s probably been at that age since about 6 months old to be honest. I bet I remind P at least four times a day that I want another – he’s stopped hearing me now. But then I remember how excruciatingly exhausting it was having a newborn and I change my mind again.
I feel sad that although I was completely and utterly in love with my new baby, I probably didn’t properly enjoy the experience until he was a good few months old. Course I expected it to be difficult, but you’ve never experienced tiredness like it until you have a baby and nothing will ever prepare you for it. I obviously can’t speak for everyone, some might have a ball and enjoy every minute but Jesus, we didn’t.
We piss ourselves now, me probably quite literally.. thinking about that first night we got M home. We got him all ready for bed, tucked up in his cot, kissed him on the head and said goodnight. He woke up screaming his tits off not a minute later and didn’t stop crying for about two weeks. Looking back the poor little sod was probably starving because we didn’t have a clue about babies or their marble sized tummies. Why did they even let us leave hospital with an actual person?! We weren’t properly trained!
I asked his dad ‘what the hell have we done?’ And remember texting my mum in the middle of the night – every single night, asking why won’t he sleep!!! Visitors would come and go and I’d have to get dressed and play host each time, when I was actually just so painfully exhausted I couldn’t even remember my own name. I’m not even exaggerating! I nearly fainted in Curry’s on day 5 because I hadn’t slept for a week.
We were so fortunate to be surrounded by supportive family and friends, but it was still the loneliest feeling in the world. At the end of the day they could close the door on us and get on with life and SLEEP! While we were stuck with this little thing that we didn’t have a clue what to do with.
When we have another, I wouldn’t be afraid to shut out the world until I was ready or feel like I need to pretend I was having a fantastic time with my bundle of joy. You shouldn’t think twice about asking for help or to tell people you need space. Yeah you can come round but you can mop my floor while you’re here!
Having a group of like minded mum friends was worth its weight in gold, I knew we were in it together and they wouldn’t judge me for turning up for coffee and cake looking like shit. I told all this to a friend recently and scared her half to death, probably ruined the last 3 months of her pregnancy. I know it’s a huge cliché but you never get that time back, it’s so worth it when you come through the other side and see what an amazing little person you’ve made.
Our first year is all just a sleep deprived blur; probably your brain’s way of tricking you into doing it all again.